TWENTY-FOUR (COUNT ‘EM, 24) HOURS OF LABOR

“Childbirth is not beautiful,” she writes. “Children are beautiful. Childbirth is disgusting. Anyone who says otherwise has never met a placenta. I’m surprised ob-gyns don’t have post-traumatic stress from seeing a few of those a day.” - Scottoline

What does it mean to go through 24 hours of labor? What does one do through 24 hours of labor? How does one keep sane through 24 hours of labor? Have I mentioned I went through 24 hours of labor? Only to end up with a C-section, oy. 

It is true that the pain and the details can get blurry in one’s pregnancy and post-birth brain. I can’t exactly remember all the pain, but I remember getting pissed. Pissed that they don’t tell you how unpleasant and violating it can sometimes feel to be in labor in a hospital. So I’m telling you now what to watch out for.

1. Several doctors peek into your hoo-ha. The longer you’re in there, the more doctors and nurses you will encounter because they change shifts. These doctors, they do internal exams every few hours. One might poke you in there to break your water, another might go in there to check how far you’re dilated, and yet another might go in there to check that the estimation of dilation of the first doctor was correct. 
2. Internal exams are a bitch. They are a bitch. A bitch. I am aware that the previous two sentences are not exactly grammatically correct, but it just feels right. In the medical shows they say so-and-so cm dilated, but they don’t tell you how they know. I went into labor mistakenly thinking that they measure the cervix through ultrasound. But NOOOOO! They measure it by sticking their fist in there and seeing how many fingers they can poke through your cervix. For me this meant check at 1cm, 3 hours later it’s 1.5, 3 hours later it’s 3, 3 hours later it’s 1.5 again! It took a lot of strength not to smack the doctor upside her head. 
3. When they say they will break your water, watch out. They will come in with a monstrosity of a crochet hook. It really looks like a crochet hook, a really big one. It will be scary, I can allay fears only by saying that it doesn’t really hurt. After all those internal exams a skinny metal wand with a hook at the end is a piece of cake.

If you've never met a crochet hook, here's what it looks like. Photo credit watermarked.

1. If you are in a teaching hospital there may be up to 50 doctors and nurses attending to you by the time the 24 hours are through. Some of them will stand around doing nothing, learning I guess. It’s annoying. It sort of makes you feel like you’re part of some  freak show as they watch someone else stick their fist up your hoo-ha.
2. Boredom. Bring all your gadgets and tricks to entertain yourself.
3. The royal annoyance of hearing activity in other delivery suites. As I lay there for hours on end, I had to listen to squads of nurses and shouting “push!push!push!” in unison as they cheer on the nth woman lucky enough to be at that point. This is followed by rehearsed gushes of cheerful congratulations. I must have heard 5 deliveries by the time they wheeled me to the OR.

OK so those are the annoying and painful things. I don’t want you to think that there is nothing magical about childbirth, after all most other women say it is magical. It can be fun if you have someone around to talk with. I was lucky that my husband can see the humor in the smallest things, so a lot of chuckles were shared as we ribbed nurse after nurse about their silly uniforms. 

So after giving the little guy a more-than-fair shot at squeezing himself out of my womb, my wonderful and unusually-perky OB decided it was time to open up a new door. They had already popped my water bag which made my belly deflate considerably. It was sort of freaky, like my skin was shrink-wrapped around the baby. To be honest I was glad he made the call to do a c-section. I was exhausted beyond the ability to push. It is a total cliche, but it needs to be said, it truly is worth it.